Dec 14, 2004

its early tuesday a.m.(735am). its snowy, ive been at work for about an hour and im still cold. i hate this damn weather. im not too sure whats wrong with me, i feel like im a failure....not a failure in the normal sense...i mean im working hard and in love and stuff. i just feel like a failure to "me". how can i clarify what i mean???.....lets see....i feel that ive kinda conformed into an class that i never was part of...and now that im in it....i dont recognize myself when i step back at look at myself. i dress different, i dont keep in contact with alot of people, im out of my field...way out....i have no time to accomplish some of the things that i always planned on doing. when i took the layoff, i planned on building a freelance Co. or something but now i hardly have time to work on a resume for myself. Then when i do have a lil free time, i dont have the energy or motivation to do it. i feel like i used to be alot more "free" and fun and laidback.....anymore i feel like i have zero ambition and motivation on anything non-coffeeshop related.

damn this post is taking forever to write.

anyways, i just feel a little dislocated from myself and it kinda freaks me out. im not too sure what all i can do to fix it, i mean do i leave here and find a position in my field? or stay and work harder at starting my own graphics thing...or just concentrate on the shop....god damnit...i really dont know. i mean EVERYONE seems to be moving away.....joes gone, jason s may be leaving, and EdE is talking about it. i feel stuck. i just feel overly worthless in some aspects of my life.

i just really need to know that im making a difference. i know that ive helped to save the coffeeshop which to some is a big deal. and in a way is making a difference....but its just not the same.

i dunno i guess i just need sleep or something. or just time off....i must get to Athens this year.

overall, im happy. i just cant comprehend a few things about my world. i guess i just need to put everything into perspective and plan what all i need to do.

its now done.

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