Oct 21, 2007

Make your dress all wet and send it to me.....

Well, its been awhile since I posted. No real excuse. Just a lot going on. Been doing a lot of thinking about this whole move and it's really ironic cause one of the main reasons I took this job for isn't even a factor anymore. Ive lost a very important part of me since i've moved. Honestly with everything I left behind in Pittsburgh, The only thing that I regret is leaving Victoria. Everyday something reminds me of some point of our 3 years together. Like the other day, Grocery shopping...all because for the first time in along time I thought about buying string cheese. Victoria's fav. snack. Or like thinking about the day that I moved. Driving away...her in my rear view mirror. Or earlier seeing her graduate from CCAC. She's amazing the way that she successfully went thru business classes while doing such an amazing job running the coffee shop. Not everyone could do that....I know I couldn't.

And that brings me to my point, since I've moved. I haven't really felt myself. Mainly because I have been missing a very large part of myself. I walked away from so much more than I could have ever imagined. Maybe we never would have made it, maybe things were getting bad between us, I mean of course we had our rough times....but the thing is....I'll never know. And that uncertainty is probably the worst part of it all. I think about 5 years from now....HELL, 6 months from now, and I get scared. I see her with someone else, and it hurts. It hurts so much. And really there isn't anything I can do about it....atleast not right now.

Then the other thing that eats away at me is when I look at Bellevue now, when I look at the building. I see things coming together. I see other people doing the things that I tried so hard to accomplish. Things I laid the ground work for, things that I created are actually working now, now that I'm gone. Was I that bad at getting things accomplished? Are the two connected? I mean maybe I can't finish anything that I start.

Now, here I am in a new place, a chance to start over. It's just I have no idea where to start, HELL, I don't even know where to look to start. All this disappointment I've been feeling has really clouded my motivation.

So now what? I guess that I just need to move forward. Hopefully someday all of this makes sense to me.

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1 comment:

Victoria said...

I wish you would stop thinking that it's your fault things didn't work at the building while you were here. And nothing else is really getting done yet. it's still all just talk. but more importantly, the difference is how many people are talking, and the fact that it's not JUST you, trying to manage the whole building, run the store, and do graphic design for everyone in bellevue. it's not that you can't get anything done, you just take on too much. so learn from it by not starting new projects so much. focus. concentrate, because you are definitely capable of getting everything you want to get done, done. you just have to give yourself a chance, have a little faith in yourself. and do things one at a time.
you can do it. but you couldn't have kept up with it all here. you just couldn't, and you didn't, and that's why you had to go.
as for the stuff about us, i don't want you to hurt about me. i want you to be happy with the good times we had and be grateful, like i am, that we are still friends and can talk and work together on stuff for the coffeeshop. focus on making yourself happy in your new life.
~best of luck, and love~