And that brings me to my point, since I've moved. I haven't really felt myself. Mainly because I have been missing a very large part of myself. I walked away from so much more than I could have ever imagined. Maybe we never would have made it, maybe things were getting bad between us, I mean of course we had our rough times....but the thing is....I'll never know. And that uncertainty is probably the worst part of it all. I think about 5 years from now....HELL, 6 months from now, and I get scared. I see her with someone else, and it hurts. It hurts so much. And really there isn't anything I can do about it....atleast not right now.
Then the other thing that eats away at me is when I look at Bellevue now, when I look at the building. I see things coming together. I see other people doing the things that I tried so hard to accomplish. Things I laid the ground work for, things that I created are actually working now, now that I'm gone. Was I that bad at getting things accomplished? Are the two connected? I mean maybe I can't finish anything that I start.
Now, here I am in a new place, a chance to start over. It's just I have no idea where to start, HELL, I don't even know where to look to start. All this disappointment I've been feeling has really clouded my motivation.
So now what? I guess that I just need to move forward. Hopefully someday all of this makes sense to me.
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